Everything Happens On Tuesdays!
by IamNOTdead
Summary: what really happens after lotr... Is haldir really innocent? Where do the lovelines in rivendell lie? all this and (possibly) more revealed inside.....
1. Everything happens on Tuesdays

Everything always happens on Tuesdays.  
  
It was Tuesday and Elrond was scared. He knew that everything happened on Tuesdays. The entire lord of the rings was a Tuesday that just seemed a lot longer.  
  
Last Tuesday he had had the flu, and the Tuesday before that it had been elfbrunt, a very weird disease where said elf craves pleasures from all around, and usually gets them.  
  
Celebrian had not been pleased when she had stumbled on Elrond and Arwen in the shower doing 'stuff'. Well anyway, back to the real story, Elrond was supposed to be going to Lothlorien today and he knew today was definitely going to be one of those Tuesdays that seemed to last years.  
  
He had been to the undying lands, but it was only a bunch of high elves prancing about, a bit like Rvendell really.  
  
He was only going to Lothlorien because Haldir had requested his presence there for no apparent reason. But Haldir was a GOD.  
  
And you never say no to that sort of god. Elrond knoew that there was a forbidden part of the forest that Haldir was trying to tame since he was given the lead of Lothlorien. Galadriel had left yonks ago with Celeborn and, sadly for Haldir, Legolas.  
  
Elrond knew the sort of thing that may entail from this excursion to the woods; Haldir was honorary lord of Esgaroth (the gay capital of middle earth).  
  
However, Elrond was not bothered, he'd always been bi and Celebrian was the biggest slut their side of the misty mountains, and probably the other side too! So as it was, Elrond decided that his evil Tuesday this week would be cheating on his wife, which is nowhere near as bad as the flu.  
  
Elrond already had a horse waiting, which was odd because he definitely didn't request one. It was a pale glowing pink and for some reason had his name tattooed all over it with little red hearts. Elrond decided that Celebrian had left him a gift, but little did he know that Celebrian was actually off screwing Elladan in the forest.  
  
Anyhow, Elrond got on his horse and rode off to Lothlorien. He was riding through the opening parts of the woods when he heard a rustling behind him. He immediately knew that Haldir lay in wait and leapt off the horse into the tree nearby, but banged his head on a branch and fell onto the floor and broke his leg. Haldir burst out laughing and jumped out of the trees into Elrond's lap.  
  
"God you're funny when you injure yourself Elly baby!"  
  
"Elly baby? And why is it funny when I break my leg?"  
  
"Elly baby sounds cool and its funny when your leg breaks because in the matrix reloaded it snapped off of one of yo ur clones!"  
  
"I have clones?  
  
"You should stop living in a dream world, you should know this is all just the twisted imagination of a weirdo who watched too much movies and reads too much books, and is probably bi"  
  
"What's that got to do with clones?"  
  
"Movies!"  
  
"Oh, I think I'm beginning to understand, and I'm gonna sue for stealing my body image!"  
  
"But everyone wants your body!"  
  
"Hmmmmm, well take it, its yours"  
  
"Here?"  
  
"Where else?"  
  
"The forbidden woods, where no-one will be!"  
  
"Good point, lets go"  
  
So it was that Elrond and Haldir headed off towards the forbidden woods, home of the oddly shaped handcuff tree and the whip flower. It was obvious to passers by what was going to happen, especially as Elrond had his hand in Haldir's pocket, and everyone knew about the hole in his pocket.  
  
When they entered the forest, all was dark and gloomy, except for well... everything! It was all pink and fluffy, and for some reason there was nude posters of Elrond everywhere.  
  
"Elly baby..."  
  
"Yes, my dearest Hally?  
  
"I've been waiting a long time for this..."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"This!" and with that Haldir pounced on Elrond and Elrond began to wonder exactly what was so bad about this Tuesday, after all so far it had just been a bunch of stuff that wasn't going to be expanded on and some nice sex with a sex god, but then, completely out of the blue, a meteor hit middle earth, completely obliterating everything.  
  
Elrond's last thought was: 'that explains the evil of Tuesday' and died. Haldir also died, but he thought it was Wednesday so was rather shocked. Many others died, but for some reason, in the undying lands, all life forms lived on, seemingly not dying. Elrond decided it was just his luck to have lived in the area where people die when he had the choice, but that's just Elrond. Poor him.  
  
The End 


	2. Wednesday never dies

Yay, peeps reviewed, thanks. I edited chapter 1s layout! I don't own anything, well, not yet, but for the moment poor and penniless I shall remain. Onwards we go to a sequelly type thing. I Have a really fragmented type writing style so its kind of obvious that some people wont understand, though others may, depends how odd you are.

* * *

Chapter 2: Wednesday Never Dies  
  
Elrond awoke. He hadn't realised he was sleeping but then again, he thought, maybe early periods of death is sleeping, and he was going to find out more now.  
  
"Elly Baby?"  
  
"Gnuh..."  
  
"Gnuh is not a real word..."  
  
"Haldir?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"I thought we were dead..."  
  
"As did I, but it seems that Wednesday is over, you know how our days have no relevance to each other."  
  
"Wednesday hasn't even begun, we died on Tuesday!"  
  
"Oh, that explains why we died, if we died at all! But I heard a myth of Lothlorien about Wednesdays, but it must be true as we are only a myth, and we're here."  
  
"Okay, what is it?"  
  
"Apparently, in Lothlorien, Wednesdays never die, they just replace dead Tuesdays! So when we died, we were resurrected on Wednesday!"  
  
"That explains the chapter name"  
  
"Indeed. Now, where were we?"  
  
"I think I should be getting back to Rivendell."  
  
"But Elly... Rivendell's gone!"  
  
"I'll just rebuild it. Anyway, don't you have some leader of Lothlorien duties to do?"  
  
"So what? I like it here! Plus I have a glamorous assistant!"  
  
"Go be with her..."  
  
"Him"  
  
"...Then, hey you interrupted me!"  
  
"I had to correct you!"  
  
"Well, you go be with him, I want to go home!"  
  
"Are you dumping me?"  
  
"Seems that way"  
  
"Slut"  
  
"Am not"  
  
"Are to"  
  
"Am not"  
  
"Are to"  
  
"Am not"  
  
"Are to"  
  
"Am not"  
  
"Are to"  
  
"I AM NOT A SLUT! And I'm leaving"  
  
"Are to a slut"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
Elrond stormed off out of the woods, but very soon received a carrier pigeon telling which immediately squawked the words "Are to!" The poor pigeon was promptly ripped to shreds.  
  
As soon as he was back in the charred remains of Rivendell, Elrond realised just how un-charred it was. It was all in pristine condition, exactly as he had left it, except the people had moved.  
  
"Elrond?" Came Celebrians scream of joy to see her husband back.  
  
"Hello, Celebrian, I thought you died when the meteor hit?" More like he hoped she had died, silly slut.  
  
"Oh no, that meteorite was just a mass hallucination with sleeping gas inside, also the author couldn't be bothered to try and make a story without us Rivendell dwellers here. That hallucination theory is just an excuse for him having no imagination."  
  
"I'm confused, are you saying we never died?"  
  
"Yes, god Elrond, I'm sure you must have failed your SEEFTASTBLOF's"  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Standard Elf Exams For The Average Soon To Be Leader Of Rivendell"  
  
"I never took them"  
  
"oh, well that explains a lot! They are basic intelligence exams and you really should do some"  
  
"I do not take exams, bitch"  
  
"wanker"  
  
"why are arguing?"  
  
"why not?"  
  
"Because its unnecessary"  
  
"Tough, I'm using an argument as an excuse to leave you for our son, Elladan, because I don't want to be in this story anymore. I'm off to The Undying Lands and hes coming too!"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"Slut! You screwed Haldir!"  
  
"how did you know?"  
  
"You should be a bit more careful, the trees can talk remember!"  
  
"Damn! I'm going to kill Treebeard!"  
  
"leave the poor treee alone!"  
  
"He's perverted, spying on me like that!"  
  
"We don't want to know about your sex life!"  
  
"But you seem determined to find out?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"I heard about yours, seems I'm not the only one who's screwed Haldir!"  
  
"What are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying I'm married to a filthy slut who's even slept with dwarves! That's the lowest you can stoop!"  
  
"Racist!"  
  
"No, I'm just remembering our ancestral hates"  
  
"Racist hates!"  
  
"Have you gone yet?"  
  
"Obviously not!"  
  
"Well get on with it, this chapters boring me. And this story might one day be a whole week! Which means the author needs to save some ideas for other days!"  
  
"Fine, I'm going!"  
  
And with that, Celebrian walked gracefully from the room, never declining an opportunity to look beautifully slutty. Elrond found some drugs in his cabinet, and gathered some booze and sent a carrier pigeon to Haldir.  
  
2 Hours later, Haldir was ringing the doorbell, then discovered there was no doorbell and decided to knock instead.  
  
Elrond ran to the door and leapt into Haldirs arms, but missed as Haldir was hiding round the corner and Elrond had not realised.  
  
"Damn you, you made me break my leg again!"  
  
"Silly Elly Baby"  
  
"Do that thing you did yesterday to make it better"  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"The THING"  
  
"What this?" and Haldir did a special trick with his left middle finger and healed the leg.  
  
"God that's better!"  
  
"Ooh, now I'm here, can we get some maple syrup, seeing as we had none yesterday?"  
  
"Sounds fun, especially as maple syrup tastes nice"  
  
"Lets do it!" And again, they did it, but that is best left to the imagination.  
  
However, not long later, Rivendell got so hot it set on fire, and the smoke got into Elrond and Haldir's lungs, so they choked until they collapsed, It seemed that Wednesday was just as unlucky as Tuesday.aldir. 


End file.
